Yesterday and thoughts

I have been feeling extremely flat lately, almost apathetic, I am kind of lethargic and can fall asleep quite easily. 3 X 150mg of Lyrica is the same as 2x daily. So I’m sticking with that. I’m worried this might be post-steroid related however it could be due to the lyrica working. I feel a lot better about myself but the issue of feeling flat is there and my sex drive is close to 0. 

I don’t think and I know I don’t want to continue living the type of life I sometimes fall back into, one of lacking enthusiasm and undisciplined laziness coupled with insecurity.  I am also trying to figure out what masculinity means for me and my identity, I guess consistency would be a part of it for me and falling back into my old lifestyle doesn’t help support me with regard to that idea. 

Continuing on the point of being ‘flat’ I haven’t properly gone to the gym in just over a month, that’s down from going nearly 4-5x weekly. I feel as though I don’t have the energy or the drive.

I want to feel as though I can achieve anything and become employed, also I know  I have the ability to complete the 3000 word essay before this friday that is due, it’s just when would I start it and what would the quality of work be like?

I have previously been trying to skip sleep (well before I have been feeling ‘flat) to try to grind at whatever goals I have – but recently I was listening to the knowledge for men podcast and have realised a lot of the most successful business people, self-made individuals or entrepreneurs get a full night’s sleep (7-8hrs) not the ridiculous 4-5 that is often so reported in the self-improvement community. 

A few further points I don’t want to expand on now as well are – 

  • I need to think more about my relationship, what i want out of it, and if i should potentially continue it and what the risks are for the future
  • my finances and that they continually seem to go down, I think i need to cut my expenses and at least try to save for a while or cut out any luxuries – possibly write down a budget being specific down to the dollar
  • I tell myself i want a full nights sleep but i also don’t want to sleep at night until i have everything completed

Other points:

  • I have responsibility of my life
  • I am the creator of my life and I can make whatever decisions i choose to change what is happening 
  • I am the master of my own world and need to create a life I want to live
  • I need to envision daily the type of person I want to be and the type of life i want to live and create
  • I want drive – I want to be able to ‘get up and go’
  • I want to be fit and healthy and I want to hustle and do as much as possible with as little as possible. 

Imagine what my life would be like if I just took control of my decisions instead of being fearfull and lived life how I wanted.

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