Category Archives: Masculinity

Sleepy

Finally achieved my goal of waking up early (5-6am starts).

How ever this comes at a cost – I become tired much more easily and I also need to sleep earlier so I cannot get as much done at night.

I haven’t posted in a while but reading over previous posts this helps me keep track of my goals and whats important to me.

I’m slowly making progress in the building industry – it is a slow process for me so far, I need capital to start developing and building as opposed to say, maybe someone starting a tech business with just a laptop. I’m currently studying law and carpentry as well as completing a building course. Next week I start at TAFE so I will have a lot on my plate to work on, then uni will start as well after that so everything is quite busy right now.

I am having regular meetings with my psychiatrist and I can feel my confidence growing and myself becoming stronger every day and every week, bit by bit, brick by brick to build this strong wall inside of myself.

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Haven’t posted in awhile

There are a few things I need to work on

  1. Handling my shit 
  2. Making decisions because I want to (not to please others or being afraid of opinions and comments)
  3. check my financials and spending
  4. start studying for exams
  5. thinking about ending my relationship 

    I can’t think of much to write at the moment as my head is full of thoughts – I haven’t written in a while but have made a habitica goal to do so. I need to start making money working as a general contractor – being an unpaid law student I have no money.

Handle everything and take no bullshit just like the F truck. 

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Whats going on

This is the first blog post in a while. I am starting to be more disciplined, organised, and make more progress. However there is one downside – I am on multiple medications at any given time to get through the day…I think ill have a wash out or break once uni is over, this is just difficult as the psych meds have changed my mood quite a bit (for the better) how ever this has made me stress free and relaxed so I need to adjust to this new way of thinking and my mindset is currently changing slowly.

Anyway I have begun working on my legal placement, my building business and getting my builders licence (however the forms and proof required is ridiculous). Further I am getting help with my law studies and am confident in my ability to pass. I am also still seeing the psychiatrist on a somewhat weekly basis.

Further I have been listening to podcasts that have greatly expanded my way of thinking. I am still trying to discover myself and what it means to be masculine and be a man.

Yesterday and thoughts

I have been feeling extremely flat lately, almost apathetic, I am kind of lethargic and can fall asleep quite easily. 3 X 150mg of Lyrica is the same as 2x daily. So I’m sticking with that. I’m worried this might be post-steroid related however it could be due to the lyrica working. I feel a lot better about myself but the issue of feeling flat is there and my sex drive is close to 0. 

I don’t think and I know I don’t want to continue living the type of life I sometimes fall back into, one of lacking enthusiasm and undisciplined laziness coupled with insecurity.  I am also trying to figure out what masculinity means for me and my identity, I guess consistency would be a part of it for me and falling back into my old lifestyle doesn’t help support me with regard to that idea. 

Continuing on the point of being ‘flat’ I haven’t properly gone to the gym in just over a month, that’s down from going nearly 4-5x weekly. I feel as though I don’t have the energy or the drive.

I want to feel as though I can achieve anything and become employed, also I know  I have the ability to complete the 3000 word essay before this friday that is due, it’s just when would I start it and what would the quality of work be like?

I have previously been trying to skip sleep (well before I have been feeling ‘flat) to try to grind at whatever goals I have – but recently I was listening to the knowledge for men podcast and have realised a lot of the most successful business people, self-made individuals or entrepreneurs get a full night’s sleep (7-8hrs) not the ridiculous 4-5 that is often so reported in the self-improvement community. 

A few further points I don’t want to expand on now as well are – 

  • I need to think more about my relationship, what i want out of it, and if i should potentially continue it and what the risks are for the future
  • my finances and that they continually seem to go down, I think i need to cut my expenses and at least try to save for a while or cut out any luxuries – possibly write down a budget being specific down to the dollar
  • I tell myself i want a full nights sleep but i also don’t want to sleep at night until i have everything completed

Other points:

  • I have responsibility of my life
  • I am the creator of my life and I can make whatever decisions i choose to change what is happening 
  • I am the master of my own world and need to create a life I want to live
  • I need to envision daily the type of person I want to be and the type of life i want to live and create
  • I want drive – I want to be able to ‘get up and go’
  • I want to be fit and healthy and I want to hustle and do as much as possible with as little as possible. 

Imagine what my life would be like if I just took control of my decisions instead of being fearfull and lived life how I wanted.

Either regret doing nothing, staying the same and regretting the what ifs or regret not trying, OR regret trying and failing while potentially achieving success. – This is the only option with a good outcome. 

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Slow to change and medications

Change for me has been so slow, I don’t want to use this blog to complain however there are areas in my life I really must address and often can’t seem to get the courage to do so. First though I want to state the medications I currently take that has helped me and will form the basis of my growing identity. 

The current medications I am on are

Zoloft 200mg. Lyrica 150mg x 3 Daily. Ativan 1mg as needed. Seroquel 1mg as needed. 
The above medications alleviate my depression – I wasn’t able to get out of this rut myself for years and finally tried it and it seems to have worked. 

In relation to this I am also most likely going to start Abilify (assuming at 5 mg) this coming Tuesday as I am extremely flat and it is supposed to increase dopamine and energy. I was against taking so many medications but each one has improved my quality of life and my potential as a man significantly therefor I am willing to try more. 

Regarding my mental state I also take (non-prescribed) Modafinil (Waklert) 100mg as needed, I also take caffeine tablets as needed. This improves my focus and allows me to perform when sleep deprived. Finally I have been experimenting with racetams lately and none seem to work at all. 

A list of further medications/supplements include

  • Avodart for hairloss
  • Minoxidil 5% for hairloss 
  • Regenepure Anti DHT shampoo for hair loss 
  • Accutane 20mg for Acne
  • Retin A cream for acne 
  • Probiotics, Metamucil, De gas and Activated Charcoal and Lactose tabs to control my lactose intolerance. 
  • Occasionally take fish oil. 
  • I have quite a few health supplements but I haven’t been taking these consistently.

As I previously stated, this is a fucking shitload of medication however it has improved my quality of life an enormous amount so far. 


Now I need to report to myself and hold myself accountable to other areas of my life, that is why I started this blog in the first place. 

My relationship has run its course, however I can’t seem to let go or to break up – purely out of fear and possibly some attachment. Its terrible but I need to work up to doing this as I find it extremely daunting.

My motivation is lacking, or I feel flat – Possibly need Abilify however I have endlessly tried to motivate myself to no avail.

With regard to the motivation I am far far behind on my university law work and I have assessments and presentations coming up that I have anxiety about and do not know what is happening. I cannot fail

My last point is possibly the amount I have been to the gym or eating healthy, I haven’t been to the gym properly in around one month, that is a long time for me and I feel fucking terrible, I haven’t been eating properly either and just feel so bloated at fat.

I really need to pull all my shit together, these mentioned areas of my life but also other extensive areas which I am working on as well.